Invite everyone you know- no keep it small?
Have the beautiful view of the water- no the bigger dance floor? Use the caterer with a flare -no -the less expensive caterer! These are some of the struggles, and yes, even arguments you go through planning a wedding and that’s before you even get the other family involved! You and your child are slugging out the details and then you still have to deal with the other side!
So how does it all get resolved? Ah my friends that is the very question that families, young couples, and the Magi themselves have been asking for centuries?
Clearly it usually all does work out, because the invitations do go out. And all the guests, or maybe only the ones who made the negotiated cut off, are there at the wedding to celebrate.
Is it stressful? It could be! It depends on how it all goes down! If you are blessed, you can keep your eye on the endpoint- A couple is starting their lives together. This is only one night, albeit an important one! But if the flower arrangements, the band, or the locale are more important than the families having harmony, oh yeah things can get sticky or rather more appropriately, repellent.
Is there a formula to abide by to keep things healthy and balanced?
I guess prayer would be my first suggestion. Pray that you have the self-control to back off from all that you want. Use a sharp memory would be my second suggestion. Remember everything you need for life you learned in kindergarten, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”. Remember your sports lessons “it’s not whether you win or lose it’s how you play the game”. Remember what free choice means, we don’t control the challenges presented to us only how we respond to them. Do you see a pattern developing here?!
Most importantly, make an eye doctor’s appointment. Try to get rose colored glasses in order to see everything in a positive light.
Many parties have envisioned this day. Unfortunately, all differently!!
So far there are no Mediators pursuing the career of wedding negotiator. That might be an idea for party planners to add to their skill set. Kind of like a good matchmaker, they can fudge the sentiments a little, to help things move forward successfully.
Marriage is all about compromise. Why isn’t this as good a time as any to start modeling it?!
This is not a boxing match. The ring used is not one where everyone climbs in together; rather it’s worn to commemorate love. The money exchanged by the attendants at the event is not for betting on the outcome; rather it’s to support a positive one. The parties are not returning to separate corners; they are marching off together to the same one. The towel is not being thrown in its being monogrammed with both their names. And the winner is not one or the other, it’s the union!
The best way to make it all work out despite the many parties and opinions at play is to remember:
The food ordered is gone that night, in seconds, with each swallow.
The clothing worn gets discarded the next day relegated to the attic or the depths of the closet.
The band is on to another event, the very next night.
And within the week the flowers die.
But the couple and their families need to survive a lifetime together. Is whether a kanadal was served verses a crepe, a rose used verses a carnation, a bassoon played verses a violin, or the color sage worn verses burgundy, worth a battle that effects a lifetime of shared births, bar mitzvahs, graduations, anniversaries and so much more?
This is what you need to keep in mind as you sit down to negotiate a wedding. It’s a night verses a lifetime. I bet there have been times you’ve fallen asleep early and missed out on a night, not always one you wanted to miss, but at least it’s just one night. You certainly would never want to miss out on a whole life time!
Rivki Rosenwald is a certified relationship counselor, and career and life coach. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or rivki@rosenwalds.com<mailto:rivki@rosenwalds.com