Here’s the thing sometimes we just get stuck in a dilemma or a challenge. Not a major one. I call it a time consuming one. And that’s when our minds go wild. In the end, I’m sure we make the honest, right move. But our minds have traveled some convoluted paths to get there. See if any of these speak to you?
Forgetting: Let’s say you forgot to meet with someone or forgot some event –completely! It happens!
Maybe less often these days, since practically everyone has a calendar. In fact, built right into their phone which is built into their palm. But still, you could possibly forget to look at your calendar!!!
So, here’s the dilemma? Create an excuse or say I forgot? But what can be so important that it excuses you? So suddenly all these thoughts flurry through your mind. Hmmmmmmm …. My best friend showed up from out of the country. I had to suddenly take my kid to the doctor…… “Wait, what am I doing? I forgot- pure and simple! Now I’m adding a lie to that. No, this is not about lying or saving face. This is just not wanting someone to think they don’t matter to me”. Round and round you go!!!
I’m not saying anyone in the end opts for the fabrication. I’m just saying a lot comes into play and our minds do some fancy footwork to get to a solution.
For instance, you’re running late for a wedding: You start thinking… How can I make up the lost time? What do I eliminate? Forget the shower? Took one this morning. Have someone else drop my kid at his friend’s. A quarter tank, I’ll get gas on the way back. Forget finding the invitation, I’ll call someone from the car…. Still running late?! “Hmmmm, what else can I eliminate – oh yes, my wife!! -then I’ll get there in plenty of time!!! She’s just starting with her makeup”.
Ok-We can’t always control the things that get in our way. “I’ll just go sit in the car and talk to myself”.
RSVP-ing about actually attending a wedding: Now there’s one decision that takes up a lot of brain space. Do I really want to stay for the meal? Should I just respond Chupah only? Is that offensive?
Maybe it’s better to say coming for the whole thing and then leave early. But why should I waste their money if I’m not planning to stay. How close are we really, anyway? Who’s going to be there? How late do we want to stay out? What else do I have that week? Maybe I should just let them know that I have something else that night!! After all there is always something else going on. Actual RSVP – “Sure we’ll be there with our dancing shoes on, wouldn’t miss it for the world”
Returning a library book: Maybe not a lot of people take out library books anymore. But this use to be a big one. It’s due, but I’m not done with it so do I go back and renew it? But, that’s such a shlep. Do I keep it and pay the few extra cents it costs to return an overdue book? Oy “Now, I can’t find it!” “Ok just pay the full price for the book!” Wait I found it, I better not tell them – I think I owe more in overdue charges then if I buy it outright! Decisions decisions!
There are endless things we may find ourselves vacillating about. We’re often drowning in this exploration-How do I handle things best? There’s no simple answers. The process is inevitable. In fact, it is the process itself that allows you to arrive at an answer. It works like this: You actually do not have a sudden epiphany, rather, you get burnt out ruminating. And thus, to revive yourself, you finally settle on a solution.
Rivki Rosenwald is a certified relationship counselor, and career and life coach. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or firstname.lastname@example.org<mailto:email@example.com