Rivki D. Rosenwald Esq., CLC, SDS
One of the best things in the world, when you’re a kid, is a sleepover date. You’ll sleep on the floor the rug, the carpet, you don’t care. What’s a mattress between friends? You’ll get 3 hours of sleep – more than enough! A ratty blanket, no sheet, a hard pillow- whatever, it’s all good. It’s a sleepover.
But replay that as an adult? Are you insane?! The mattress must be just so, exactly to your specs- hard, firm, bouncy whatever your preference is -it better be on that bed you sleep in. 3 pillows, 8 pillows, 10 pillows – whatever you are used to …. you just cannot entertain sleep without that number! And your prized pillow or pillowcase, that, you must schlep from home!
“The shades don’t make the room dark enough!” ” The AC’s not cool enough!” “The heat’s not high enough!” ” The bathrooms not close enough!” The litany of shortcomings is endless. If you could just dump your entire master bedroom in to your suitcase, then you’d be fine with a sleep over.
But short of that – the headache, backache, lost sleep, exhaustion and irritation, is just not worth the sacrifice.
What happened to that resilient, little floor sleeper of yesteryear? When did you become this inflexible kvetch?!
If the guest room you’re put in is not the Taj Mahal, you want out of there! If the accommodations aren’t as good as home, you feel like crying like a baby.
In all honesty, sometimes you’re just homesick for the familiar, even if it’s not that bad a place. Cause the truth is even if your bed is bumpy, lumpy or concave you are used to your bed. Your body has etched its form into a location and sleep is defined by your relationship with that spot.
So how can adults have sleep overs? Well first they must pack their collection of pills. Ambien, Tylenol PM, melatonin, whatever does the trick for them. Then the reason to leave home must be compelling enough to move them out of their complacency. Now, for a couple, this is a definite negotiating point. Your sister’s kid’s Bar Mitzvah, is different from his sister’s kid’s bar mitzvah. And vice versa. Your best friend’s event is not his best friend’s. And his best buddy’s first kid is not your best buddy’s first kid.
Beds have a way of being less horrible if your incentive to be there is greater. But with a couple there is often different levels of incentive. The more one has to be there, the more easily they can re-tap into their childhood resiliency. But! …for the spouse who is not as motivated to be there, he or she is focused more on all the adult frustrations. Therefore, —-What must go up for one as the comfort goes down for the other, is one spouses level of appreciation that the other came. And then as the appreciation goes up the respondent better be able to gracefully say or imply -it’s no big deal. I’m glad to do this with you! Despite the cold compress on their head, ice on their back or bags under their eyes, -good relationship skills are about being able to feel: what’s comfortable enough for you, is comfortable enough for me. If you can see the flower through the thorns so can I!
The better side of wisdom often feels like -leave the spouse at home and grab your kid! They can sleep anywhere! To them it’s an adventure. In fact, if they actually get a bed they’re ecstatic! They don’t wonder why the place they are staying doesn’t have their brand of coffee, their diet sweetener, or the milk they like in it. Though, they may give you a run for your money if they don’t find a breakfast cereal that they can eat. Still they will first sort through the collection and be open to trying a new one as long as it looks interesting to them. That spirit of adventure is still with them.
Maybe what we should do is ask some questions before our guests arrive, like we do in relation to food. You know like, “is there anything you don’t eat?” Or, “does anyone have any food allergies?” Ok, I know, we food shop every week, we are not about to redecorate our guest room each time a new guests shows up!
I guess it would be smart to walk in to our guest room once in a while and lie down on the bed and think, could I actually sleep in here? Have I at least tried to make it the best accommodation that I can? I know I can’t meet every adult’s requirements, but can I step it up a bit. Add a variety of pillows. Buy newer, softer, fresher bedding. Make sure the blinds work -not every neighbor needs to know that my guest is getting dressed!
So even though it seems that sometime, and as a parent I’d speculate just around high school age, adults do start to appreciate the need for sleep more than kids do. And even though adult agendas do start to demand coherence a bit more than a kids. Maybe – just maybe, the only solution for a guest to get through a visit with a good attitude is to somehow remember there was once a time that the experience was certainly much greater than the comfort of the bed they were assigned to!!!
Rivki Rosenwald is a certified relationship counselor, and career and life coach. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or rivki@rosenwalds.com<mailto:rivki@rosenwalds.com