Chochmas Nashim: Sinful Reminiscence
By: Suri Davis
I was in Macy’s the other day, and found myself in a time warp. There were Easter sale signs out with winter jackets, scarves, hats and gloves beneath. The same at Lord and Taylor and Bloomindales and Century 21. There was one cashier opened on each floor in all the stores, with no one else to help with questions and sizing, it was deserted, bereft of merchants and shoppers. Clearly, they did not have enough staff to take out old merchandise, and from what I can tell of the scant summer merchandise, with China closed, means of transport shut down, there were no new clothes available for purchase, seemed like last season.
This week, I had a meeting in New York, and I arrived early, so I sat in an outdoor public space, sipped coffee, and read an old NYTimes I brought with me. It was dated March 1, 2020. I read about the seemingly unstoppable booming stock market and economy. In Arts and Leisure, I read about the new shows about to open on Broadway, new art exhibits at the local museums and the Tanglewood schedule. Who could have predicted even then, what difference ten days would make. Who knew that we were to go into hiding for months like the groundhog we saw the previous month.
And I felt a pang for “the good old days.” The days of work, gym, grocery shopping, Amazon Prime deliveries in a day, the housekeeper, the kids in their schools and schedules.
Then I read this week’s Torah portions, Chukat/Balak, and I asked myself whether it was sinful to reminisce to ask for the hands of time to be turned back. In this week’s parshahs, first Miriam dies, and with her the miraculous desert water wells. The Jews cried out for water, as if G-d had done no prior miracles for them, Moshe and Aaron were instructed to talk to the rock to draw forth water, Moshe hit the rock instead, resulting in Moshe and Aaron losing their rights to enter the promised land of Israel. And so, in this week’s Torah portion, Aaron dies, leaving Moshe siblingless. The Jews cried out, G-d why did you take us out of Egypt to have us die of thirst in the desert. But, of course, the reality was far from their imagining their dying of thirst.
In the desert, the Jews were vulnerable, target practice for the desert natives, requesting of nations permission to pass through their land, just to be greeted, as in this week’s Torah portion, by threats of war, and war. The Jews felt so very vulnerable in the desert, that they felt pangs of desire to return to Egypt and slavery, an existence they knew for hundreds of years and many generations, rather than cope with this vulnerability, putting their faith in a G-d they couldn’t see.
So too, my desire for days of yore. Fil in the blanks: Before the pandemic, I was enslaved to _____, the quarantine freed me from ________. Some say, I was enslaved to the hair colorist, mani/pedi, daily lunches, weekly hair blow outs, now I can do it for myself for 50 cents. Yes there are pangs of desire for the freedom of movement and freedom from fear.
Our homes became vulnerable like the desert, packages coming in were suspect, repairmen needed hazmat suits for entrée, but where were we going to draw the line of comfort and Emunah. Some remain tightly quarantined, others act as though it never happened, no face masks, social distancing etc.
I discussed a few weeks ago for Parshat Behar about the laws of Shmittah, resting the land for every seventh year. At a time when most if not all Jews were agriculture based, it gave most of the nation time off for the year. The question was, what was each person going to do with his time. Will he run around working for other work to do, would he play backgammon with his friends every day…When G-d takes back the reins for the year, and says I gave you enough food during the sixth year to cover you for both, do you trust, sit back and say let me take this time off to get closer to G-d, learn torah, visit the sick, help the elderly with their groceries? Yes, it took more time to settle our homes, deal with the illness, suffer through it all, and it has been our wandering through the desert, it has made us vulnerable day in and day out.
The first generation of the desert knew they were going to die in the desert, for their sin set forth two weeks ago in Parshat Shlach, for their sin with the spies who told them how hard it would be to beat the natives and capture the land, for their lack of faith in G-d’s omnipotence. In this week’s parshah, G-d tells Moshe and Aaron to speak to the rock to draw water, they hit the rock instead. For their lack of faith, they too lose their right to enter the land. To capture Israel, to reside on G-d’s land, Israel, is a true act of faith. Vulnerable to their Arab enemy neighbors, subject to desert weather, it takes G-d’s constant intervention to remain safe in Israel.
G-d’s supervision of this world is summed up by the very detailed explanation in this week’s second Torah portion of King Balak’s hiring Bilam, a seer, to curse the Jews. Tremendous machinations went into this activity, and G-d took these great efforts to curse the Jews, and turned Bilam’s words into a blessing. So why can’t we have faith that every situation which looks like a curse, G-d can turn into a blessing. Indeed, isn’t it our mandate to bless the [apparent] evil as we bless the [apparent] good.
So as I sat with my coffee and New York Times, and I had a pang for the “good ole days,” did I really want to return to my Pharoahs, to those things that enslaved me before the pandemic, activity to which I didn’t even know I was enslaved.
The bizarre feeling in the store, that time stood still and reading the pre-pandemic newspaper were a gift of consideration of how the Jews felt in the desert, feeling vulnerable daily, longing for days of yore, which were familiar, if not ideal, really actively relying on G-d for their sustenance instead of their employment, as we have received huge government unemployment payouts and forgivable loans, daily food distributions from school districts, what are we doing with our time other than worrying: Virtual beis medrash, Jewish classes from around the world, unprecedented access to Jewish learning at home, or are we worrying, huluing, netflixing, amazoning, yearning to go back to our enslavement in Egypt…As always, I ponder…
Shabbat shalom.
Suri