CHOCHMAS NASHIM: DEEP DIVE INTO FORGIVING OTHERS
By: Suri Davis
So much air time is dedicated to Teshuvah, man’s asking G-d and his fellow man for forgiveness, so little to the real act of forgiving others. Maimonides discusses the three steps to asking for forgiveness, which are regretting that one has sinned, confessing to the sin, and leaving the sin in the past, no longer sinning,
Rabbi Yaakov Trump, Mora D’asra of the Young Israel of Lawrence Cedarhurst, gathered together attorneys for Shavuoth to conduct a mock trial on the following issue:
Eiruvin 13b
| תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: שְׁתֵּי שָׁנִים וּמֶחֱצָה נֶחְלְקוּ בֵּית שַׁמַּאי וּבֵית הִלֵּל. הַלָּלוּ אוֹמְרִים: נוֹחַ לוֹ לְאָדָם שֶׁלֹּא נִבְרָא יוֹתֵר מִשֶּׁנִּבְרָא, וְהַלָּלוּ אוֹמְרִים: נוֹחַ לוֹ לְאָדָם שֶׁנִּבְרָא יוֹתֵר מִשֶּׁלֹּא נִבְרָא. נִמְנוּ וְגָמְרוּ: נוֹחַ לוֹ לְאָדָם שֶׁלֹּא נִבְרָא יוֹתֵר מִשֶּׁנִּבְרָא, עַכְשָׁיו שֶׁנִּבְרָא — יְפַשְׁפֵּשׁ בְּמַעֲשָׂיו. וְאָמְרִי לַהּ: יְמַשְׁמֵשׁ בְּמַעֲשָׂיו.
The Sages taught the following baraita: For two and a half years, Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel disagreed. These say: It would have been preferable had man not been created than to have been created. And those said: It is preferable for man to have been created than had he not been created. Ultimately, they were counted and concluded: It would have been preferable had man not been created than to have been created. However, now that he has been created, he should examine his actions that he has performed and seek to correct them. And some say: He should scrutinize his planned actions and evaluate whether or not and in what manner those actions should be performed, so that he will not sin. |
Clearly G-d knew at the time He created man that he would sin, nevertheless, He felt there was merit in creating man for the times in man’s life that he would sanctify G-d’s name by doing mitzvoth/good deeds.
In the last torah portion we read, G-d tells us that we should memorize or take the poem of Haazinu and its words to heart and we should sing it and G-d would forgive us. The entire Deuteronomy is dedicated to warnings of the future, learning from past mistakes.
G-d is omniscient. He gave Adam the gift of an entire Earth, dedicated it at the time the world was created, and promised the holy land of Israel to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and He knew, yes He knew, that man would sin and He would have to drive man from the gifted land and His holy temple.
In between Moses’ warnings in Deuteronomy and Adam’s creation in Genesis, we have wedged Yom Kippur, the day of forgiveness. One might say that what we learn from the very beginning of the Torah, at the very end of the Torah and practically everything in between is that perhaps the world was created for the purpose of teaching us the middah/attribute of forgiveness.
G-d told Adam that if he sinned, he would die, but that didn’t happen, instead G-d transformed Himself from a G-d of judgment to a G-d of rachamim/mercy, as can be seen by the change of His name from Elokim/judgment, with which He created the world to Hashem/mercy, with which he permits people to live even as they sin.
There is a meme that has traveled around social media which I abhor: Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.” To me it means, one strike and your out. Let’s analyze this.
- Was the hurt intentional, like a quick salesman, or unintentional
- Was it someone you don’t know, or a friend
- Does the person have good will with you as a friend or trusted business person does
- Are you giving the person the benefit of the doubt
- Is it a voice message or text message which can be misconstrued. I sent one of those this year, and the recipient asked her friends to confirm my meaning of the text, and she was upset. When we spoke, I said the text that I wrote her, and with my intonations, she understood it meant something so totally different.
- There has to be trust that the other person didn’t mean to hurt, and that they won’t intentionally hurt in the future. Once burned, twice shy is natural for many people, but don’t shut down possibilities, let time do its magic, and keep the door open for reproachment as time heals.
- I strongly believe that those who use this meme, are those who don’t want a relationship with the person anyway, for whatever reason, the relationship might have become stale, or they’ve grown apart, and this one strike you’re out meme supports this feeling, gives a person an out they’ve been looking for. Do you know memes are not sayings from the wise or from heaven, just some boring dope sitting at his computer.
- Time has to pass. We have to believe in the healing property of time. Immediate reactions should not be trusted because they are not a product of reflection and well thought out responses. One begins to miss the other person, think about the past when they were close, think about the good will one has with the other person etc. It is encapsulated by G-d’s telling us when we’ve sinned “zacharti lach chesed neurayich, ahavat kellulotayich, lechtech acharai bamidbar/I, G-d, remembers our kindness in our youth, the love of a new bride, that we followed Him into the desert, an unsown land.”
In other words, there are many times that G-d threatens to kill us in the desert for our acts of betrayal, and then He remembers the past when we were close, with a strong bond, and He calms down and forgives us.
Upon reflection, I believe there is no stronger and more consistent message in the Torah than that of forgiveness. From the sin of Adam, to the warnings of G-d and Moshe in Deuteronomy.
In fact, just this week, I was working on a shiur I am giving for Parshat Noach, when I looked up and saw a magnificent rainbow. As we know, a rainbow is double-edged message. On the one hand, it lets us know that we are wicked and are slated to be destroyed, on the other hand, it reminds us of the promise G-d gave to Noach that He would never destroy the world by flood again.
And I pondered why something as beautiful as a rainbow would be the symbol for a message so ominous as world destruction. I pondered it long and great. In my mind it hearkens to the gemarah Rosh Hashanah 29a:6 Do the hands of Moses wage war? The question in the gemara was on the bible passage which states that when the Jews were waging war with Amalek, when Moses’ hands went up, the Jews would progress in their victory, and when Moses’ hands went down, they would start losing, so what is it about Moses’ hands going up, permitted the Jews to strengthen in war?
The rabbis tell us that when Moses raised his hands upward, it would remind the Jews to look heavenward to G-d, that the key to their victory is to have trust in G-d and pray to G-d for victory, not to their own might.
So too, the rainbow is such a magnificent symbol in the sky, it naturally draws one’s eyes heavenward towards G-d. When we sin and G-d considers us evil, He is telling us that we need to turn our eyes, faith and davening upward towards HKBH. This is as to man and G-d.
The rainbow has diverse colors, independent and come together. There are times that are evil is based between man and his fellow man. We can retain our independence, respect each other’s thoughts and opinions and when we unite, we make a beautiful symbol of achdut to ourselves and to the world at large, which sanctifies G-d’s name, and has others looking heavenward with faith and trust in G-d. The rainbow too, is a symbol of f-o-r-g-i-v-e-n-e-s-s.
This is why we have a whole day, devoid of material pleasures, focusing not on self and material pleasures, a day dedicated solely to asking each other and G-d for forgiveness. There are so many ingredients and internal steps which go into granting true forgiveness as mentioned above, and the concept and the actualization of forgiveness takes second stage to the very many lectures on Teshuvah, on asking G-d and others for forgiveness rather than on the topic of forgiving others, or granting others forgiveness.
Colloquially, vernacularly, when others ask us for forgiveness, we shoot back “you’ve done and said nothing to hurt me.” I submit to you, that sitting with one’s self on the eve of Yom Kippur and diving into the feeling of what it means to truly forgive someone who has hurt you, is an avodah in and of itself, and might actually bring you to understand the depths and heights of G-d’s greatness in His loving us and trusting us daily, as we end off saying in our daily morning Modeh Ani prayer, Rabbah Emunatechah/Your, G’ds, faith in US is great, and delving into all that it takes for G-d to forgive us daily.
This deep dive understanding of forgiveness reveals to us what it means to be created in His Divine Image, so we may love, trust, give the benefit of the doubt to, remember the past good will of those with whom we interact, and only then can we get to the ahavat chinam required to bring achdut for the building of the temple when Moshiach comes speedily in our days.
Gut kvitel.
Gmar chasimah tovah
Gut Shabbos
Suri