Redefining Vulnerability
BY MALKA KRAMER, MSW, MFT
I recently heard a question posed at a panel of professionals discussing marriage – the million-dollar question of “what is the key ingredient in a marriage?” Is it love? Is it trust? Is it respect? What is that elusive something that keeps the best marriages humming along? Obviously, there are many ingredients that make up the recipe for a great marriage and I won’t be so bold as to say I have discovered the one and only answer; however, after working with many couples, I have seen one quality over and over again that is needed to make a marriage work well – and that is vulnerability, or rather the ability to be vulnerable with your spouse.
Vulnerability. Just the word alone can make a person instinctively try and protect themselves. What is about vulnerability that causes most people to react, either physically or psychologically, as if they are facing a threat? Furthermore, what does it mean to be vulnerable with your spouse and why do most people find it so difficult? And, to pose a deeper question – why do we see vulnerability as a weakness rather than a strength?
This is a topic that, in order to truly be understood, deserves to be spoken about in depth. (This article will therefore be divided into a few parts in order to properly address the topic. So stay tuned for part 2). There are a myriad of factors that have caused us to perceive being vulnerable as a weakness, a threat or dangerous to our self-preservation. One of these factors is the way society has defined men’s and women’s roles as individuals and in relationships. In the case of the male, society has done a very effective job of indoctrinating all of us with a generalized perception of what is attractive in a man – “a manly man”, “strong and silent”, “tough and invulnerable” and similar descriptions. Nowhere in those descriptions does it give room for a man to be able to express his needs, emotional wants or vulnerabilities without feeling less of a man. Similarly, society has created this dilemma for women. Since the rise of the feminist movement (and I am not saying that the feminist movement has not done wonders for women, because in certain aspects it has), women have been made to feel that if they need or want anyone, they are less than the superwoman that society expects them to be. While we, as a religious society have been protected somewhat from the barrage of unhealthy messages from secular society, it has most definitely invaded our culture to an extent. Women’s new cultural definition is self-sufficient, self-reliant and self-sustaining; we even find evidence of this in mainstream religious relationships. Where, then, is there room for softness, vulnerability and a lowering of the barriers?
Another contributing factor in people’s reluctance to appear or act with vulnerability is the totally consuming world of technology. I think we would all be hard pressed to find someone who is able to completely avoid using some form of technology, whether it be a smart phone, TV, laptop or other device. While the virtues of technology are many, a much-discussed downside to technology is that people have gotten too comfortable with a “barrier” between themselves and the world. This barrier can cause a plethora of problems; a very significant one being that people no longer have to express themselves in a way that makes them feel “exposed”. The fact that people do not have to practice face-to-face, open and natural methods of communication has assisted in creating a true aversion and fear of directly expressing emotions, needs, wants and fears in a healthy way.
So, how can we begin to redefine vulnerability – understanding it for what it truly is and the way it can enrich our lives and how to see it as a strength? Stay tuned for Part 2 where this will be discussed, as well as how to apply this concept to your marriage/relationships for richer, more fulfilling experiences.