Anything But That !
Rivki D. Rosenwald Esq., LMFT, CLC, SDS
Relax! Relax!
Just relax!
Do you want to scream when someone tells you this?
As if you couldn’t have thought of it yourself?
Or maybe- it’s more like if you could relax you would. So why are they telling you this?
Maybe just maybe a little help here would do better than this frustrating advice.
It’s not always easy to change the situation for the other person who is in a state. But, saying “relax” RARELY relaxes anyone!
It’s usually just another thing you’ve put on their head.
They’re thinking-
“So, besides being anxious, stressed, worried, and/or in pain – you want me to RELAX?” “I don’t think so!”
It’s as good as SAYING to them things like:
*It’s no big deal! (Where the listener just thinks -Sure it’s no big deal for YOU !)
Or
*Take it easy! (Where the listener just thinks – I probably could take it easy if you’d give me a hand ) Or *Don’t worry (where the listener just thinks- why shouldn’t I worry , are you going to worry for me or help it go away?)
The one thing they don’t think, when you say relax, is – – – “Wow, what helpful advice” “Now I can relax!!!!!
Perhaps sometimes giving a person more support or hope would be better in their unrelaxed moments.
For instance saying :
I see this is so hard for you
I’m here for you
I’m here to help
Can I do anything
But saying RELAX, just usually ups the LACK of relaxation.
Think about a woman. There she is -with a lot more to her than she had 9 months ago. And in a lot more pain too. She’s expecting an increase in her family members any minute now. And they are not coming by way of the door bell!
She’s lying there uncomfortable, maybe even miserable, some might even say tortured. Do you think she wants to hear someone say to her – RELAX?!
Exactly- You, in the room, may be waiting for a baby to come out but you will cause steam to come out of her first if you try saying the “R” word.
I guess the person who developed the Lamaz, delivery training support , might have said one too many of that “R” word and realized they had better come up with something more constructive to help someone struggling, if they valued their lives.
An anxious person seems to get more anxious when someone tells them to relax.
Honestly, Its not really a bad idea. It just doesn’t work!!!!! The thing is advising it usually adds to the anxiety.
Maybe, originally it was part of a sentences such as, “relax your muscles”. Which at least gave someone some direction to go in. But, the more they shortened the sentence the more they increased the tension.
When we want to help change the situation, to be helpful or calming, it seems to come to our lips. Yet, the outcome is, it does change the situation, except the change is now they are screaming at us too.
But, RELAX, LOL, I have some good advice for you…..
As that R word is about to sneak out of your mouth- try stretching it instead and turning it into things like ….RRREEally– hard oy, or RRRReeealize this is tough for you I’m here for you!
And RE member you can not always fix it for someone else but you can try to help them relax by doing something other than saying relax!
Rivki Rosenwald is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist working with both couples and individuals.
She is a Certified Relationship Counselor. She is a Co-Founder & Creator of an effective Parent Management of Adolescent Years Program. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or rivkirosenwald@gmail.com
