No one plans on raising a spoiled child. But many parents I speak to admit that they think their children are more spoiled than they were at the same age. We all know that overindulged children grow up to be unhappy, selfish adults. The time to pay attention and make a change is now.

First, let’s identify the most common red flags:

1. Your child never accepts no for answer

Bedtime, computer and screen time, snacks, even where you decide to go as a family on a day off, are controlled by this child’s wants and whims.

2. Your child doesn’t give

Your child finds it difficult to give up his seat, allow others ideas to take preference, or compromise when interacting with siblings and friends. He doesn’t want to share his time, things, and space with others. You realize that it’s simpler to ask other children in the family to do you a favor because he will put up resistance. It’s hard for him to even say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ or ‘I really appreciate’.

3. Your child is impatient

Your child expects you to put your own needs aside, because his needs must be immediately fulfilled. He has no tolerance for waiting. He can’t imagine that someone may be inconvenienced by his desires. If you’re on the phone or busy with another child, you are supposed to drop what you’re doing to help him first. He cannot cope without instant gratification.

4. Your child feels entitled

A spoiled child is always thinking only of himself. Everything is about ‘me’: my needs, my wants, my cravings. If another child gets a prize or new sneakers, his reaction is ‘Hey! What about me?’ He always thinks he deserves the same or more.

5. Your child is never content

No matter what you do, it’s never enough. Your child has all the coolest gadgets and toys, but he lacks satisfaction. He’s always eyeing more and the next. He doesn’t know how to be in the moment, enjoying the experience and the people around him.

6. Your child is a sore loser

A spoiled child can’t accept disappointments or setbacks. When he loses or receives a poor grade, there is always someone else to blame. Nothing is fair. He yells at his teammates if they mistakenly mess up or at those who don’t do things his way. He requires extra praise and looks for constant recognition.

7. Your child won’t do the work without bribes or begging

Basic tasks such as taking a shower, doing homework, or putting away laundry become an ordeal without a promised prize or compensation. Children who constantly require bribes, treats or dollars to get things done find reward externally instead of internally. They miss out on gaining inner pride, satisfaction, or the knowledge that they did the right thing. Instead, it’s all about ‘What will you give me if I do this?’

Limits and Discipline

A spoiled kid is a child who has not been given limits or consistent discipline. Parents have indulged and ceded to their child’s tantrums and rants.

Why would parents create such a monster situation, you wonder? Sometimes because they want to give their child all that they never had or experienced growing up. Or social media posts pressure parents to say yes when they know it would be better to say no. Some parents are simply exhausted at the end of a long day and lack the wherewithal to set rules and carry through with consequences. Others are afraid that giving firm limitations will impact their child’s self-confidence.

How to Un-Spoil Your Child:

1. Be Consistent

Giving empty threats, not following through with consequences, or ignoring bad behavior while reacting to the same bad behavior at other times creates an environment where your children do not take you seriously. You are undermining your ability to discipline.

When you do set a limit, believe in yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of saying no, feeling guilty, and then overcompensating and indulging..

Discipline should never be confusing. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

2. Model Gratitude

Children who are grateful are happier, more resilient, and handle situations better. They grow into adults who value and appreciate life along with all its gifts.

Your home is the greatest classroom and you are your child’s greatest teacher. Model gratitude in your daily life. Stop blaming and complaining. Verbally acknowledge thankfulness not only for possessions, but for people and experiences as well. Don’t overlook little moments of blessing.

3. Teach Empathy and Consideration

Open your child’s eyes to the impact of his words and actions. If there is a new child in class, how does it feel to be lonely? What can we do to help him feel welcome? How do grandma and grandpa feel when everyone is talking to each other at the table, but no one is including them in the conversation? What can we do to help them feel vibrant and part of the family?

If there is a neighbor, relative, of friend going through a difficult time, what can we do to show that we care? Even baking cookies becomes an act of kindness and empathy. Help your child become a giver.

4. Teach Patience

When another person is speaking, don’t allow your child to interrupt, even if it is a younger sibling. If you are having a conversation, teach your child to wait till you are done. If dinner is not ready, it is okay to wait. Nothing will happen if your child feels hungry for a bit.

Role model patience in daily life, while on line in the supermarket, when driving in traffic, and with your mother in law when she visits. Patience means that I am humble and open to others coming first.

5. Keep Your Connection Strong

It is not about never saying no, rather it’s about how you say no. Don’t raise your voice in anger when setting limits. Validate your child’s feelings and desires, even if you cannot allow him to do or get what he wants.

Seek out positive time together to cushion the difficult moments. Maintain connection and love, be present-both physically and emotionally, and recognize that it’s okay for children to experience disappointment.

You are not here to stop all your child’s frustrations. You are here to provide tools for life so that your child can deal with the future bumps on the road that await him.

Don’t deny your child the opportunity to learn resilience, gratitude, humility, and grit.