Five Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”
Choosing your spouse is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Here’s how to know you’re making the right choice.
- Are you trying to change your partner?
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is thinking that they will change their spouse after they get married. “He’ll be perfect when I get him to work out in the gym” or “She’ll stop spending so much once we start our life together.”
Chances are this will never happen. Don’t assume that somehow your situation will be magically different. You can’t transform others to meet your needs. You can only transform your expectations.
Stepping into marriage means that you are content with the person you hope to share your life with. Acceptance brings peace. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a life of tension and disappointment.
- Do you have the same values?
When a couple is dating, infatuation can set in. You are fascinated with this new person in your life. You don’t see the long term picture looming ahead. A conversation about values seems unnecessary. After all, you are in sync. You love spending time together. You enjoy the same shows, you appreciate the same restaurants, and you have a great time just hanging out. Time passes and you assume that your values are similar.
It’s important to be sure that you see eye to eye on important topics that will affect family life. What happens if you want to be a stay at home mom and he expects you to work? When he envisions sending his kids to a Jewish day school and you are against parochial schools? When he enjoys smoking recreational marijuana and you are adamantly opposed to all drugs? What do we do now?
You need to know your values, your non-negotiables and be sure that you are aligned to similar principles. The more you have in common, the smoother your marriage will be. If never explored, topics such a finances, religious observance, and parenting can become a source of major disputes between husband and wife.
- Are you being realistic?
People often envision married life as a fairy tale. You can’t imagine being furious, having arguments, or days where you can’t believe this is the person you chose to marry. Real life means that you will have disagreements and arguments. You will hurt and be hurt. And at times you will look at your spouse and wonder, Did he really just say that? Does she live on another planet?
Striving to never argue is unrealistic. Thinking that the person you’ve committed your life to will come home every day and act madly in love is simply not how life rolls.
Be prepared for ups and downs. Embrace differences in a positive way. Decide how to handle disagreements respectfully. Create standards of speech. Recognize that there are times that everyone needs a little space and quiet, especially after a hard day. This does not mean that your marriage is falling apart.
Being realistic means that you ask real questions about daily life: How do we plan on dividing up household chores? Who will be in charge of paying the bills? Who decides what to spend money on? How do you see our future? Where will we be spending holidays?
Without setting common goals you cannot journey together successfully.
- Do you see red flags?
When you are in love mode, you can overlook the red flags that would otherwise ring alarm bells. Years later, when couples run into trouble, they realize that the behaviors causing friction were there all along. Addictions, bad temper, excessive drinking, unambitious, disrespect, a wandering eye, emotional and mental instability.
When asked, spouses recognize that if they would have taken some time to contemplate, they would have noticed these harmful habits. But at the time, they chose to conveniently look away. Sometimes friends and family try to point out problematic behavior but they refuse to listen.
Be honest. If you feel uneasy, don’t ignore your emotion. Think it through. Better to be truthful than fall into rationalizing and excusing bad character traits and dysfunction.
- Is marriage being used as a refuge?
Marriage is not a hospital. It should not be used as a place to heal wounds. Be sure that you and your partner are not hurting and seeking an escape hatch. Life together cannot be built on running away from dysfunction or seeing your partner as a replacement for the parent you never had.
Some unhealthy considerations that singles have: We’ve been dating so long, it’ll take too long to find someone else. I don’t have the patience to start again with someone new. Being alone scares me.
These are not good reasons to commit your life to another.
Marriage is not disposable. You don’t just try it out and if it doesn’t work, trash it.
Building a life together with the person you love is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Take the time to think, talk, and create a home that will fill your days with joy.
Mazel tov!