MISSING A LIVING PARENT, THIS HAS TO BE SAID
By Suri Davis
For 35 years, I have been practicing law, I have never had an enlightening moment as I did this week. I had a woman come in with her son, and I was told before hand that she has Alzheimer. To do my assessment as to whether she has capacity to sign legal documents, I always address the client to see where they are in their cognitive abilities and awareness.
I asked the woman her name and she told me. I asked her to spell her name for me, and she said very calmly to me, “I have Alzheimer’s, is it okay if my daughter answers this question.” WOW, such self-awareness.
I asked her where she lives, and she told me that she sold her home because she has Alzheimer’s and is living with her son. That because of Alzheimer’s she doesn’t remember the address, is it okay if her son answers the question.
We discussed the health care proxy and power of attorney, and she asked whether it was okay for her to still make her financial and health care decisions, and a conversation ensued between her and her children about how she was high functioning now, but how with the progression of the disease, when she feels incapable of making those decisions, the family is there, as always, to support her as she transitions.
Truly shocked. The first time in 35 years that I have seen an open calm open dialogue about disease progression. Contrasting it to the very next client, where Alzheimer’s could not be breathed and all were in denial that the client even had it although in a prior conversation, I was told he did.
SO LET ME break open a taboo, a sad taboo considering just how pervasive dementia and Alzheimer has become. As parents age, whether physically or mentally, they start slowing down. They are the matriarch and patriarch of the family, and we, as children, want that love and support to continue flowing down to us from our parents above. But at some point, it flips, or has to flip.
My father passed away four years ago, and my mother isn’t well. One of our many family traditions with Bubby was to make stuffed cabbage and charoset with her for Pesach. Alas, several years ago, we came to Bubby’s house with all the ingredients, as she forgot her own recipe and how to roll the cabbage, tucking in the side ends.
Last year, my son went to Bubby’s house to make charoset, she always loved to put an extra splash of Kedem Concord Malaga and cinnamon into it, but she forgot the recipe, although she was happy to peel the apples slowly, and mix and taste the charoset.
She is now in assisted living and just last night, my son said to me, Eema, I don’t think we can make charoset with Bubby any more. Oh, how we miss Bubby, even though Baruch Hashem she is alive and well. So, now that I am a Bubby, I said to him, maybe I’m supposed to take over that role with you now, or maybe we’ll call Aunt Sarah and ask if she will make charoset with us so we have the generations with us at our seder table, along with Moshe and Aaron and Rabbi Yehoshua and Rabbi Tarfon and Eliyahu Hanavi. We’ll see.
My neighbor, Estelle, always says to me “remember when you go to your mother, take videos.” She’s right. My mother and I love to sing holiday songs together, the videos are precious.
Every day in my practice, I see the generations coming in, now four generations strong, as I have been practicing for so long. Sometimes I see raw sadness and the role reversal, and sometimes it is masked as anger with a condescending tone towards mom and dad, and I cringe. Sadness makes you feel weak, anger somehow, makes you feel stronger.
When we were younger, our parents slowed their walk, so we could keep astride. They woke up in the middle of the night to feed us and care for us and teach us. Keep that in mind as you evaluate what your parents can do, and go to where they are physically, psychologically and emotionally. It is not easy for them to tolerate their aging limitations, go to where they are and accommodate them. Ask them if they would like to help you make the balls of the matzoh balls or meatballs. If they want to help you peel the apples for charoset, or just be the taste tester.
Acknowledge that you mourn the parent you had, in the way that you remember him/her most. But then ZUZZZZZ, move on to where they are so you can both have cherished moments still ad meah v’esrim shanah.