The Timeless Struggle!
Rivki D. Rosenwald Esq., CLC, SDS
Here’s how it works.
Or doesn’t!
This article will probably be appreciated, specifically by, most husbands.
A man can get through college, then complete graduate school, land an awesome job, or start his own successful company, even, manage to impress a woman – enough to get her to marry him.
But ….and here comes the big but-
He can’t be trusted to bring home the right stuff from the super market.
The most stressful job you can delegate to a husband is to pick up the shopping list.
I’m thinking — ask them to do twenty miles on a treadmill or this chore- most guys would say; the latter would be the more realistic stress test.
It seems women just don’t understand that there are 40 choices of tomatoes in the market, because she goes right to the one, she wants. But, every single one of them looks right to a guy. That is, until he gets home!
Then there’s the barrage that takes place, ranging from “what kind of tomato is that”, to, “have I ever bought anything but grape tomatoes- what were you thinking?”!
And the guy’s thinking: well what I was thinking is – “you asked for a tomato, I got a tomato, how can that be wrong?”
Oddly, I’ve seen this be some of the most connected moments a couple has, even with him in the store and the woman at home.
Because, only with her complete guidance, his checking in on the accuracy of each product, and skyping down every aisle, does he feel he has at least a 50% chance of getting things right. So, he refuses to get off the phone with her!
I’ve seen guys, dressed in three-piece suits, clutching their phones for dear life, as if the biggest deal was going down, who are actually shopping in Walmart and discussing every feature of what’s in the baby aisle.
Four weeks ago, I was in Maryland for the weekend. A friend introduced me to a guy involved in the school there. He somehow told us a story that his wife asked him to get 3 items for her and requested that he write it down. He said he responded that that was insulting and that he didn’t need to write it. She requested he do it anyway. And he said he told her that that was ridiculous and left for the store.
When he got there, he said his mind went blank. However, the last thing he would do was admit that she was right. So, he spent an hour going up and down the aisles till his mind was stimulated by the items and he remembered. He felt so proud of himself but couldn’t think how to account for the hour.
When he arrived at home, she asked him what took an hour. And he said he told her he met endless parents from the school body and couldn’t get the shopping done.
He just couldn’t admit how stress based the shopping was for him.
Two weeks later, I see a guy I know standing in the candy aisle at a giant grocery store I shop at. The shelves are stacked top to bottom with endless choices. The guy is hunched and focused with such intensity he could be preparing a legal brief. I innocently say – “hi” thinking he’ll promptly pop up out of his stupor. Surprisingly -he totally does not hear me. Then jokingly I quip “wow you like you’re really concentrating there”. To which he turns and responds, “I am, I didn’t even see you – If I go home with the wrong thing, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
Both men mention this is the single most stressful chore they ever have to do.
So, here’s a new career, someone may want to capitalize on. I discussed it with both these men and their faces lit up like a kid getting a new dump truck. [Which by the way, I gave to my daughter’s two-year-old this week and he exclaimed “OH- MY – GD!!!” like he had won a trip to Hawaii or something! Trust me this is big!
So back to the career idea – A woman who greets them at the door and accompanies them through this ordeal. Without ever knowing what their wife is planning to cook, they truly believe a woman will know exactly what the wife is looking for. And I’m not doubting that they might. The ingredients on the list may somehow hint to the shopper where the wife’s going with this. While these men may be seeing individual items on the list the women may see a flow at work here.
Just the thought of that savior brought amazing relief to these two guys. Therefore, even if someone there didn’t help him get it right, at least someone to talk him through the stress might be a worthwhile experience.
Bottom line I n order for the list to be completed right -woman probably would need to write an extensive, descriptive list of what they want- including, actual names of specific brands, sizes of boxes and bottles, and look shape and size of roasts, and explicit descriptions of fruits and vegetables noting color feel size smell, and on and on etc. to the point where going herself would look easier!
Truthfully, if she had the time or desire to be that intimately involved with this list – she wouldn’t be delegating it. And since no woman wants the daunting assignment of writing this detailed a list nor does she want to go herself, this tortured chore and struggle may march on till the end of time.
Therefore:
All I can say to most frustrated men, who feel plagued by the mysteries of this errand, is -you are not alone!!!
(And maybe you can gain some solace knowing you are doing better than some other guy.)
All I can say to most frustrated wives, who keep unpacking what I will call this ‘creative list fulfillment’, is -you too are not alone either!!!!
(And maybe you can even try embracing this as an opportunity to invent some new recipes!)
Rivki Rosenwald is a certified relationship counselor, and career and life coach. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or rivki@rosenwalds.com
