TWIN ENEMIES AND THE TROPHY
By: Suri Davis
I am not a social worker or psychologist, I am a mother. I want to share with you an experience that happened several years ago with one of my children, which is relevant to back to school parenting.
Twin enemies are fear and anxiety. The unknown. It could be a new school, or an old school, but new teachers. Parental anxiety: will the teacher understand my child, children anxiety: will I get the right class with my friends and the best teachers, will I live up to peer pressure, parental and teacher expectation.
We are very psychologically aware of our children’s needs. Our children are more adept at talking about their feelings or simply acting out their fear and anxiety in clear ways and not so clear ways.
It’s hard to step back as our children choose what we think are the wrong school, the wrong friends, the wrong major, the wrong foods etc.
So it was, one summer, that my son was returning to his camp of many years, and his best friend wasn’t going with him. As the beginning of camp neared, I started hearing rumblings of “I don’t want to go…”, “ I cant go,” “the other kids in the bunk are bullies, they are going to bully me.” My son is sociable and we talked about his fear and anxiety, the twin enemies. We acknowledged that it is hard to go to camp without his friend, but I told him, that I would never let him stay in camp for one second, if he was being bullied. On the other hand, if it was anything other than bullying, we would wait until visiting day, and he could come home.
As the day neared, the grumblings became louder and more insistent, and I looked him in the eye and told him I knew he could do it, and that I am right here in case he needs me. I told him that fear is good if it prevents you from doing stupid or dangerous things, fear is not good if it prevents you from trying new experiences and testing your range and capabilities. I told him that even getting on the bus, means he wins, that he conquered the enemy. “If you give in to fear and anxiety, you don’t know what you are capable of and forever you will be enslaved to them.”
I reminded him that he didn’t like when I let go to let him walk, that he was scared when I taught him to ride a bike, when I taught him how to do a back float in the pool, when I took him to nursery the first day. It isn’t easy letting go, and watching a child struggle to get his footing, but it is a necessary part of growth and development.
He got on the bus to go to camp. An hour later I texted him: “you won, I’m so proud of you.” He replied “Thank you so much for everything mom, love you.” He got to camp, and he was crying from the exhausting fear and anxiety, the camp father who knew him from the past years, never saw him so “unraveling.” An hour after he arrived, he was insisting I pick him up. The camp father was insisting I pick him up. I asked him if he was being bullied, he said no. I told him I would monitor the situation, try to settle in.
The next day in the morning, I got call, “mom pick me up.” I asked him if he was being bullied, he said no. I asked him if we can speak again on Sunday and see what he feels. The administration wanted me to pick him up, I told them I knew my son, he needed time to get his bearings, I had faith he would prevail.
I monitored the camp website for pictures of him. At first there were none, then they were glum, then the sun came out and I saw my son come to himself three days later, by Sunday. I received no call on Sunday, he was in camp seemingly happy. Received no calls or emails, I waited tentatively, and the pictures showed the transformation to a confident teen with friends all around him and huge smiles. I visited him on visiting day, he said he was happy.
He came home ten days later and told all who asked, “it was the best summer of my life.” I sat with him and looked him in the eye and congratulated him. He had earned a trophy, not a physical one, but I told him that this summer should stay in his memory forever. He went out of his comfort zone, walked alone to stare down fear and anxiety, AND HE WON. “Fear and anxiety could have bullied you for the rest of your life, but once you beat them, you know you always can.” Having faith in your child, shoring him up.
I have seen children who are beaten by fear and anxiety. I have seen parents scared for their children pull back on supporting their children’s attempts at new challenges and opportunities. Once a person lets fear and anxiety determine his life, he doesn’t know what he could have done, how he could have grown, he then continues to permit fear and anxiety control over his life to rob him of opportunities and growth.
A week later, he wanted to go to Manhattan and wanted me to take him. I couldn’t. He had never taken the LIRR by himself. A month prior, he would have hesitated going it alone. Learning to buy a ticket in the vending machine, keeping alert for the change at Jamaica, figuring out how to exit, and reverse himself.
Fear and anxiety like to rear their heads throughout our and our children’s lives, will we permit them to bully us? Will we not instill in our children the faith in themselves to beat them as well. Most challenges are not life and death. At every step of the way, we have to encourage ourselves and our children to take up life’s challenges and see them as growing opportunities.